Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Long Delay but I'm back

Wow it's been well over a month since I have shared on my blog. So much to add, yet so little time to get it done. This is the root to my life of late. The hustle and bustle of the business world coupled with the responsibilities and joy of family life have created for little time to sit and simply write, be it a simple message that is of little meaning other than to communicate with an outside world about topics that matter not, or writing something of deep meaning in preperations for teaching a life lesson to a room full of seekers.

As I left you I was in a quandry as I was in midst of closing out the work load before a long anticipated vacation. Not to mention wanting to reconnect with my eldest son. The most vital of these is of course my son, which we did spend some time connecting during our vacation. Lessons have been learned from this vacation as well as this life. At the top of the list is that there is no better moment than the present to take action. You see although my son and I did have some connection, it is nowhere near complete, nor will it be for a long long time. I must be patient and rebuild the trust that I have lost. My son, with sadness, is like me in that he is a survivor. He has learned how to function and enjoy life without me. Sure I am welcome to join him, but at this point it is on his terms and he will not allow me to hurt him by disapearing again.

Don't get me wrong, I am not gone in the sense that I run away physically, but emotionally and mentally I have not been there for him. During this vacation we did do some things together the hilight I believe was making a day strictly for him. You see we do things for each other, but ofter times they don't involve his interests. So I made a plan to do something with and for him. So when we arrived to Cozamel I rented a jeep and we went and visited some ancient ruins on the island. Later we went to a local park to do some snorkeling followed by a drive around the entire island. Basically we spent time together. No deep discussions, nothing extraordinary or life changing, but nevertheless meaningful. We simply spent time together and explored.

Bottom line is that I have learned I need to sacrifice some time and simply do what he enjoys doing. This does not mean I become subservant to my son, but it does mean that I need to make some time deposits into his account doing what he enjoys with no advice or criticism. Upon our return we have spent some time as a family doing games. My son really enjoy playing cards (Texas Holdem). We don't gamble for real money, simply play with chips to see who wins like we would any other game.

I will continue to be proactive and explore his life on his terms. He is now 14 years old and these are some very critical days in the shaping of his soon to be adult life. I pray that I can be a source of wisdom rather than frustration.

Funny thing as I think about this and I think about the lesson that I will teach this Sunday: the topic Deception, when the end does not justify the means.

My thought is that I have deceiving myself in using every excuse to not spend time with my son with the deception that it's for his own good...when in actuality it's a coping mechanism to my own inadequacy. As I turn the tables on myself, I can only hope that by doing something today, intentionally I will be able to have a great relationship with my son for our lifetime.


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