Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Dreams are what drive me

Dreams are what drive me.
Yet pitfalls and nightmares are what consume me.
For the past years questions of why continue to plague me.
But no more.

No more shall the illusion of failure bind me
No more shall the lies keep me
No more shall they
No more

Dreams are what drive me.
Dreams are what provide me with hope.
Hope is bringing me to freedom.

Freedom that is so pure.
Freedom that is so just
Freedom that is so alive
Freedom that is so sweet.


Freedom to live
Freedom to walk
Freedom to talk
Freedom to be

Dreams are what drive me

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Life, what a joy!!!

Today I continue to spend my time fulfilling my responsibility to work, but at this moment I feel the urge to pause and reflect on a joyful experience the past few days have been. More from the messages that I hear and the way that I can see God trying to reach me and lead me closer to Him. Sure it would be easy for me to sit here and write about how obedient I am and how I have heard God's call and I am on my way, but the truth is I have heard God's call, but I am not comfortable with what I am hearing.

In a nutshell I am somewhat frightened and I know where those thoughts are coming from and my friends they are not of God. Amidst my day to day things, I have come across financial issues that are a consequence of my own misjudgement of current situations and obligations, not to mention my desire for immidiate satisfaction. Then I have come across a plumbing problem in our house as we have a drain that is potentially collapsed. This would be something I could deal with if only affected on part of the house, I could simply shut down the areas affected by this plumbing until our budget could handle the repair. But this so happens to effect the same plumbing as our Laundry washer.

For now we as a family must adjust to a not so common inconvenience to us. In addition for some time now, our dishwasher has not worked and again we simple can't just repair or replace it this has a financial value. So we have resorted to handwashing the dishes. Fortunately, allthough my wife and kids don't agree, I recently had the opportunity to help a friend with kitchen clean-up in his home in France. This reminded me of when I was growing up and some strange sort of way I have had fun washing the dishes by hand...thus I have not been too motivated to get the dishwasher repaired.

You might say that I have learned to cope and adjust to things around me, but now it is affecting others, not just me. We shall see what happens as we as a family work to get our budget under God's control and thus begin to make wise financial decisions...not to mention what this will do for me as I continue to seek to grow with and towards God.

Now for the good part, the joyful part...the recent messages that I have heard

  • You have to work for it
  • Choose your God
  • Being stripped of everything until all that is left is Jesus

Recently I heard a sermon preached and during the sermon the preacher showed how he had lost 50 pounds over the past year. He pointed out how when people ask him how, that in reality none of them want to really know, you see they just want to hear about a magic pill. He had a comedic response about it being painful to lose the weight but in the end a Tapeworm did the trick...but in reality he stated that he narrowed the secret down to 2 things.

  1. Less Couch
  2. Less Colories

Bottom line it was about working hard. Myself having lost 50 pounds over the past year, I was able to relate to this lesson. Somehow I could hear God calling specifically to me, but in other areas of my life...I will get into those details at anothet time, but needless to say, God is calling me!!!

Second I listed Choose your God. This is in reference to this week-ends sermon regarding the defining of Elijah. In the sermon he points out that Elijah did not need validation for his belief in the Lord as God. When he put the challenge out to the followers of Baal he simply told them if Baal is God the go to Baal, if the Lord is God then go to the Lord. He spent no time convincing them which one they should choose, but basically told them to put up or shut up. Choose your God. This really spoke to me. Not that I don't know who God is nor that I am confused about the Lord. I know and in writing and speaking will tell you that the Lord is my God and that I am a follower of Jesus Christ. However what spoke to me was my lack of faith in obedience to Him in every area of my life.

You see I struggle with a multitude of sins, some that are basically addictions. I run to these magic pills when I should run to God. I could sense God telling me to rely on Him. I'm not sure in clear detail what this means to me and what I must change, but I know that I am being called to something that in my eyes and in God's eyes are big. Again I stand with some fear as to what He is calling me to and what I must endure in obedience.

Finally last night a dear friend spoke and made a statement about being stripped of everything until all you have left is Jesus. WOW!!! Talk about a right hook to the jaw. God was speaking directly to me through the actions of another. Through the pain and trouble of another. I listened and then I later spoke with my wife. God is calling me to something and I feel as though he has been knocking on my door for 11 1/2 years, but my fear has paralyzed me.

Fortunately God is taking me on a journey and although I would love to discard everything I have and follow Him, I feel that He is gentle and the He is preparing me for a time that is to come. In my eyes I want that time now, but for Him that may be in 5, 10, or 25 years from now.

The joy that I have is that despite my failures, despite my inadequacies He has chosen me. He desires me. Not just a part of me because it's convenient or because it is capable or because it always says yes, He wants me because he knows there is more there than I have ever been lead to believe in. Truth be known God believes in me and this for the first time is more than nobody believing in me. The joy is that I am starting to believe in myself thanks to a creator who is greater than all.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Long Delay but I'm back

Wow it's been well over a month since I have shared on my blog. So much to add, yet so little time to get it done. This is the root to my life of late. The hustle and bustle of the business world coupled with the responsibilities and joy of family life have created for little time to sit and simply write, be it a simple message that is of little meaning other than to communicate with an outside world about topics that matter not, or writing something of deep meaning in preperations for teaching a life lesson to a room full of seekers.

As I left you I was in a quandry as I was in midst of closing out the work load before a long anticipated vacation. Not to mention wanting to reconnect with my eldest son. The most vital of these is of course my son, which we did spend some time connecting during our vacation. Lessons have been learned from this vacation as well as this life. At the top of the list is that there is no better moment than the present to take action. You see although my son and I did have some connection, it is nowhere near complete, nor will it be for a long long time. I must be patient and rebuild the trust that I have lost. My son, with sadness, is like me in that he is a survivor. He has learned how to function and enjoy life without me. Sure I am welcome to join him, but at this point it is on his terms and he will not allow me to hurt him by disapearing again.

Don't get me wrong, I am not gone in the sense that I run away physically, but emotionally and mentally I have not been there for him. During this vacation we did do some things together the hilight I believe was making a day strictly for him. You see we do things for each other, but ofter times they don't involve his interests. So I made a plan to do something with and for him. So when we arrived to Cozamel I rented a jeep and we went and visited some ancient ruins on the island. Later we went to a local park to do some snorkeling followed by a drive around the entire island. Basically we spent time together. No deep discussions, nothing extraordinary or life changing, but nevertheless meaningful. We simply spent time together and explored.

Bottom line is that I have learned I need to sacrifice some time and simply do what he enjoys doing. This does not mean I become subservant to my son, but it does mean that I need to make some time deposits into his account doing what he enjoys with no advice or criticism. Upon our return we have spent some time as a family doing games. My son really enjoy playing cards (Texas Holdem). We don't gamble for real money, simply play with chips to see who wins like we would any other game.

I will continue to be proactive and explore his life on his terms. He is now 14 years old and these are some very critical days in the shaping of his soon to be adult life. I pray that I can be a source of wisdom rather than frustration.

Funny thing as I think about this and I think about the lesson that I will teach this Sunday: the topic Deception, when the end does not justify the means.

My thought is that I have deceiving myself in using every excuse to not spend time with my son with the deception that it's for his own good...when in actuality it's a coping mechanism to my own inadequacy. As I turn the tables on myself, I can only hope that by doing something today, intentionally I will be able to have a great relationship with my son for our lifetime.